It is almost 11pm on Valentine’s Day 2009 and I’m still in the lab. I got here around 9:45 am and get to go home in about an hour and a half. I think I’ll take most of tomorrow off (except the 2 hours or so of microscopy that I’ve got to do that I refuse to do tonight).
Anyhow, it’s been a bit of a lonely day in the lab because people are out having fun somewhere other than here with their significant others. So, during my dinner alone, I was thinking about the different ways that I love.
I love a lot of people from the very depths of my heart. I have a very genuine and sincere love for my immediate family- the kind of love that makes me want to tape up pictures of them on my desk at work and tear up when they’re hurting. We are connected by blood but also by a mutual genuineness in wanting good fortune for the other. I have parents, grandparents, brothers Aunt’s, Uncle’s and cousins that I genuinely care about.
I have love for God, although it’s hard to see in my life right now because the last 4 years have been tumultuous to say the least… I don’t know where that’s going, but I know that the love that I did have for God is in my heart somewhere wanting me to dig it out. But constant disappointment and let down after let down seem to have won the game right now.
I have a deep “brotherly” love for many friends, both male and female, that makes me care for them with all of my heart, without romantic connection. It is friendship, but it is also more than that. This love that I have for people is deep and committed. It is a love that keeps me connected with people even if I lose touch with them or go for long periods without talking to them. It is a sacrificial love, in the same way it is for one’s family or significant other, but with the knowledge that they have others in their lives to be there for them also.
One major question- why some and not others? I don’t know. I don’t know what draws me into the heart of others or makes me want to draw them into mine. As I grow, I learn to appreciate the qualities in my friends that make me appreciate them so much. Like a call after a misunderstanding or open acceptance for personality quirks or simple thoughtfulness with a hug or a smile or a note. A lot of little things add up both in the positive and the negative.
One thing I know- it has to be mutual. If both parties aren’t “in it to win it”, then I’m not interested. At this point in my life, I don’t think I have the capacity to give and give if I know they will never give back. It costs the person who gives too much.
I am looking forward to loving a lot more. I love to give my self, my heart and my love to people. It’s just plain good.
2 comments:
I remember once you sent me a text message 'The sky is that shade of blue'.
I wish we had a recorder in the back of our heads that somone wrote down all the stuff we never said. Than we could listen back to it and become better people.
Indeed my friend... Indeed. It would be nice to have those things at the tips of your fingers for access whenever they are needed.
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