I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting recently. When you’re the odd one out of your friends this is easy to do. All my best girls are married, all but one couple has kids, and they’ve got jobs, houses and pets. Just a few years ago, I would have killed to be where they are. I don’t know if it’s just in Christian circles, but it’s as if achieving all of that is the goal of life and that all of my energy should be focused on living “the American Dream” and if you don’t have it, you’re missing out. And you know what, I totally bought into it. I convinced myself that I should be there too and was a bit sad about not being there. Don’t get me wrong, I want to get married, I want to have kids… but I am realizing that there is much more to life than that and I should really just sit back and enjoy the ride.
I think that as I am *hopefully* approaching the end of my graduate career, I am realizing that the choice to pursue a PhD has made a huge impact on my life. More than just the job that I will have and the years I will have spent in school, but other things too. Here are a few that I am slowly coming to grips with that you may/may not understand or agree with.
1. I might be a good 5-10 years behind my friends when it comes to the whole married/family stuff just because I went to grad school. I don’t care what men say, but it IS different for women. We basically ruin a lot of prospects by pursuing this much education… but I’d do it again in a heartbeat because when I’m in the lab, I feel like I am reaching my full potential and not settling for anything less… and I’m just not the type to sit around waiting for a guy to come around. And I REFUSE to settle for a guy that I’m not absolutely crazy about… no matter how old I am… not worth being miserable for the rest of your life!
2. I may not change my name when I get married. Never thought I’d say that… I’m pretty old-fashioned, but the further I get in my scientific career, the less likely I’ll be to change it.
3. I may be too old by the time I’m married to have more than one or two kids. Maybe that’s a good thing and it’s God’s way of watching out for me, but I’ll admit that I always thought I’d have 3 or 4 because I come from a big family and like the feeling of it… it’s comfortable to me.
4. I may not ever make it back to the West Coast permanently; let alone the US, after I do a post-doc abroad… I think I’m ok with that. I don’t like to think of anything as unmanageable right now though. Anything is possible and I’m open to a lot of different things.
5. If, by the time I’m 35, still single, have no prospects of getting married, I think I would “accidentally” (if that’s possible) get pregnant. REALLY thought I’d never say that… for a lot of reasons… I would be really heartbroken if I never got to have kids and I’d rather be a single mom with all the stuff that goes with that, and be able to experience the joy of bringing life into the world and raising a son or daughter than to never at all. Maybe that is selfish, I don’t know… hopefully it never comes to that… I’ve got about 8 years… but women have a bit of a time limit for these things.
6. I will live and experience life to the fullest. I will go places and see things and live with no regret. I cannot see myself with a partner who doesn’t see life as an adventure or thinks that it ends the second you get married and have kids. If I had gotten married a few years ago, I would be miserable right now.
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